In this blog post, I'm going to be rewriting a scene from Bullet in the Brain (Tobias Wolff). The scene I've chosen to rewrite is when Anders flashes back to his memory of a pickup baseball game he played as a young boy. I also decided to rewrite part of the ending paragraph to better Incorporated my scene. I'm also going to be writing a short scene from my current life in this scene I'm going to be trying to use present tense, dialogue, and symbolism. Rewritten scene from Bullet in the Brain. This is what he remembered. The shrieking of a newborn. The emptiness of the white room surrounding him. The beeping of the heart monitor from the other side of the room. The cold air spitting from the vents on the ceiling. His wife sobbing on the bed in front of him. Her hand holding his. The doctor's yelling “you can do this push you need to push!” Anders feels in touch, connected to the environment around him in a way he's only ever felt through books and poems before. The doctor lifts up Anders newborn baby and yells “it's a girl!” As they take her to get cleaned off. Anders wife looks at him says “she's here our daughter is finally here I can't believe she's here!” for once in Anders life he has no words his internal library of literary work developed to give him the chill on command aren't helping him. His mother, his father, their friends, and family walk through the door. Anders gets hit by the reality of seeing his mother hold his baby girl that this is the world he's been looking for throughout all of his readings. Anders elated this is a feeling he hasn't felt since a childhood baseball game years and years ago. Rewritten scene from Bullet in the Brain (ending scene). But for now, Anders can surely make time for that cold white room, time surrounded by friends and family, time seeing his mother holding his baby girl trying to find the words that can describe his feelings right now. Short scene from my current life. It's early evening and the sun setting to fade, as I'm sitting on my wheel my fingers pruned and my legs tiring with every kick. I push, and I pull, feeling the clay move like the tides. The wind is starting to sway the trees, and as it does, the leaves thrash from side to side. The quiet hum of the wheel fades behind Pretty Papers playing in the background. I push down one last time, and the clay centers on the Wheel. Isaac speaks up and says “ Why did you choose to learn pottery this summer?” I continue to pull the clay keeping my hands slick with water and said: “ I wanted to learn a skill that ends with a product that will show me my progression.” “But out of all the skills to learn wouldn't it be more valuable to pick something that you'll be able to use in your career or at the very least later in life? like learning how to program or learning a foreign language.” “Yeah I mean those are great skills but that's not what this skill is about, I wanted to learn a skill this summer cuz I wanted to learn how I learn. Which is why I felt I needed a product at the end so I can directly compare what works and what does not.” The wind starts to pick up, and the music is getting muffled by the flapping tarp working as a makeshift roof. Suddenly the sky's open up and the rain starts crashing down. Isaac and I quickly grab the tools and the clay and throw it in the rickety old shed. I leave my pot on the wheel to inevitably dissolve in the rain. We both start to sprint for the house, hopping the fence and hoping that the doors unlocked.
5 Comments
Devon
9/24/2018 03:46:04 pm
I found your choice of changing the scene Anders lives out very interesting since it gives an entirely different perspective on the piece.
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9/25/2018 03:45:53 am
Hey!
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Sabatino
9/26/2018 11:16:20 am
Both scenes provide senators details to evoke emotional and cognitive connections with the reader (and likely with the author as well). In both scenes, I see themes of “in the moment flow” and juxtapositions of temporary/eternal, learning/unlearning, participating/spectating.
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Sabatino
9/26/2018 11:17:15 am
*right?
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Sabatino
9/26/2018 11:18:08 am
*sensory details
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GreinerI hope as you read my blogs you will gain insight into my aspirations. Archives
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